[ Reiner doesn’t reply. not right away, at least. instead, he nuzzles closer into Jean’s hair and takes in his scent.
there is a part of him that wants to bare it all. that wants to tell him how sometimes he doesn’t exactly feel like he has full control over his actions. that some nights he lies in bed awake going through the entire day and feeling like he’s looking at everything through the eyes of a third party. they’re rare moments (that have been more and more common as he spends time inside the walls), so he tries not to give them too much importance, but hearing Jean talk about it and seeing him hurt by his weird way of acting is making him reconsider. maybe it is important.
still, the other part of him stops him from doing that, from showing weakness. when Marcel died all those years before to save him and Reiner promised the other warriors that he would take his place and lead them, the weak Reiner had to die with Marcel. he can’t afford to develop new weaknesses. he can already see Annie calling him crazy and telling him he would jeopardize the mission and that they should just go back home instead (but they can’t, not empty-handed and not when it might mean that they would all get eaten and maybe their families as well); he can see Bertholtd’s unsure face looking at him and though he’d stay silent Reiner would know he’d be thinking the same thing as her; and Jean... Reiner’s sure that even if he tells Jean right now nobody else would know but at the same time he’s probably the one he wants to tell the least. not out of fear of judgment or anything, he simply doesn’t want to add to his list of worries and pain. Reiner’s realized a long time ago that Jean is good. more than Annie, more than him and even more than Bert. hurting and killing people, even those they were taught to hate at a young age, taxes him a lot more than it does the other warriors. Reiner doesn’t know what telling Jean that he might not be keeping it together as well as he’s trying to show would do to him. and he doesn’t want to know.
instead, what Reiner does is pick Jean’s chin up with his free hand, press his lips on his and hope that he can convince him that he’s saying the truth— and that he’s okay . ]
no subject
there is a part of him that wants to bare it all. that wants to tell him how sometimes he doesn’t exactly feel like he has full control over his actions. that some nights he lies in bed awake going through the entire day and feeling like he’s looking at everything through the eyes of a third party. they’re rare moments (that have been more and more common as he spends time inside the walls), so he tries not to give them too much importance, but hearing Jean talk about it and seeing him hurt by his weird way of acting is making him reconsider. maybe it is important.
still, the other part of him stops him from doing that, from showing weakness. when Marcel died all those years before to save him and Reiner promised the other warriors that he would take his place and lead them, the weak Reiner had to die with Marcel. he can’t afford to develop new weaknesses. he can already see Annie calling him crazy and telling him he would jeopardize the mission and that they should just go back home instead (but they can’t, not empty-handed and not when it might mean that they would all get eaten and maybe their families as well); he can see Bertholtd’s unsure face looking at him and though he’d stay silent Reiner would know he’d be thinking the same thing as her; and Jean... Reiner’s sure that even if he tells Jean right now nobody else would know but at the same time he’s probably the one he wants to tell the least. not out of fear of judgment or anything, he simply doesn’t want to add to his list of worries and pain. Reiner’s realized a long time ago that Jean is good. more than Annie, more than him and even more than Bert. hurting and killing people, even those they were taught to hate at a young age, taxes him a lot more than it does the other warriors. Reiner doesn’t know what telling Jean that he might not be keeping it together as well as he’s trying to show would do to him. and he doesn’t want to know.
instead, what Reiner does is pick Jean’s chin up with his free hand, press his lips on his and hope that he can convince him that he’s saying the truth— and that he’s okay . ]