youlittleshit | GAY WARRIOR JEAN AU for bruch

Entry tags:

GAY WARRIOR JEAN AU for bruch

[ Much like Annie and Bertoldt, Jean tries to keep his presence in the 104th as inconspicuous as possible. He's always been a logical guy who tries to look at things objectively. There's nothing good that comes out of befriending the other recruits. Not when he had a part to play in their suffering and probably will cause them more suffering in the future. It won't be long until they have to start the next phase. He simply can't get close to them, because the more he gets to know them the heavier that guilt weighs on him. These kinds of friendships will just end in pain.

(Jean's really a hypocrite to be mulling over this at the dinner table, because beside him, Marco sits, musing about something funny that happened during training that morning.)

Holding onto his dinner (that same stale bread roll they got for every meal), he keeps his gaze fixed across the table, where he can see Reiner talking to Krista, a light flush building on the other boy's cheeks. Jean isn't stupid. He knows what's going on here. He's seen that look before, but not directed at any girl. What is happening to this person he's known since childhood? It's almost like he's become someone else entirely. It's confusing, it's concerning, and it makes him --

"Jean, are you angry?"

He casts the gentle boy beside him a look, the furrow in his brows that he hadn't realised was there easing up now.

"What are you talking about, Marco?"

"Well ... It's just that you've been so quiet, and you're gripping the bread so tightly there are holes in it now ..." ]

---

[ Later that night, Jean moves silently across the boys' quarters to where Reiner's bunk is. He climbs up the ladder as nimbly as one can, stopping only when he's able to see Reiner's sleeping face. Then, he promptly pinches the other boy by the nose, purposefully making it difficult for him to breathe. ]

You sure had fun today, didn't you, you Muscle-For-Brains?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Reiner stops on his tracks at that and turns around to look at Jean, wide-eyed and hurt again, but for a different reason this time. those words activate a switch somewhere inside him and he almost feels it, even though he's unable to articulate that feeling in any way. there is another frown on his face, but not directed at Jean this time. in fact, he moves his gaze away from him towards the path ahead, looking at nothing in particular. ]

I know. I am.

[ because he does know. his behavior means nothing in the grand scheme of things. he's just doing it because he has to. because that's what he believes is the right way to do this. because if he becomes their friend, shows them that he is on their side, they'll never assume he's the Armored Titan that broke down Wall Maria.

...or at least, that's the way his mind is rationalizing his actions. that's the way his brain is justifying that behavior that even himself sometimes questions while he's laying on his bed in the middle of the night, wondering what the hell he is doing.

he hasn't told Jean that yet. ]

I'm not turning soft for them, Jean. They're-- [ the words die in his throat, feeling immersed with guilt for a second, but he forces it aside. ] They're devils. We have a mission. I haven't forgotten.

[ he turns his face back to Jean to give him one last look before starting to walk again. ]

[ They aren't devils. He doesn't think so, and he suspects that Bert, Annie and even Reiner have come to know that. This morning, Marco gave him his slice of bread when Jean's had been stolen by one of the crows. Who does that, when rations are already scarce? That's not what the average person would do, and it's certainly not an act of a devil. Marley was wrong, and perhaps he had always known that.

Though he scolded Reiner for 'not taking things seriously', the mention of the people around them being 'devils' only tugs heavy at Jean's heart, and he's feeling that weight again -- the weight of all his sins.

He looks down, eyes dulling as he clenches his fists. ] Y-Yeah ... [ No. They're not devils. They're all just regular people, and he's going to murder them. Though, when he thinks about why he's actually doing this, Jean manages to find some conviction, easing up and meeting Reiner's gaze again. ]

As long as you keep that in your thick skull. We have to go back. To see my mom, and your cousin ...

Yeah... [ it’s the only answer that Reiner can muster in that moment. when their gazes had met earlier there was a part of him that wanted to touch him, comfort him, pass a hand through his hair in that intimate way he often does while they are alone, or even just smile at him. but in the end he did none of those things.

when they reach their destination, Reiner stands still for a minute, taking a good look at the sight in front of them. there is something about the place that is special to him, full of fond memories shared with Jean. somehow no one else has ever disturbed them there and not even Bert or Annie seem to know of it. it’s like a little corner of this shitty world that’s made just for them.

the first thing he does, is place the torch in a weirdly shaped formation of rocks a few meters away from their current position. Reiner and Jean had placed them that way years before exactly for situation like these, when they somehow managed to sneak out during the night just to be by themselves. something that they made sure to not turn it into a common thing, just to not raise suspicions into anyone. so whenever it did happen Reiner made sure to savor it the best he could.

this night, even if it started with an argument, Reiner wants to make sure to do the same thing. ]

I promised you we’re going home. [ Reiner starts again, voice mellower than earlier and after making sure the torch is placed correctly (and really it’s not safe at all, they could start a bad forest fire if it falls, but those rocks have resisted for so long and so many different weathers that Reiner has just learned to trust it). ]

Trust me.

[ He's taken aback by the view when he sees it, and it actually has a calming sort of effect on him. This world was cruel, shitty and unfair, but there were beautiful parts of it too, and it takes a scenery like this to remind him of that. The night sky seems to go on forever, stars twinkling upon the black canvas, and he can see their reflection in the nearby stream. Standing here, he's overwhelmed by many pleasant memories that pass through his brain, images of nights spent within the embrace of a person he's come to care so deeply for. His first love.

Trust me, Reiner says. Of course Jean will trust him. The boy beside him was the one who pulled him out of the miserable states he would fall into whenever he lost a fellow comrade or was forced to kill an enemy. Jean knows he's not cut out for the role he's in. His test results made him qualify, but his personality has always been weak. It was always Reiner who kept him moving forward, who held him up when he felt like he would falter.

How could he ever doubt him? ]

I'm such an idiot. [ Slumping down beside the perched torches, Jean crosses his legs and places his face in his hand. ]

Can you believe I called you out here because I was jealous? [ A lot of his concerns are still valid. He's the perspective sort, so he knows there's something amiss about Reiner. It was that interaction with Krista that spurred Jean on to give Reiner a scolding today, however. He really feels like a selfish brat of a teenager right now. ]

What? [ it’s Reiner’s turn to be taken aback. he throws a confused look at Jean, trying to process his words while he sees him sitting down and hiding his face. Jealous? of what, his new friendships? someone in particular...? he feels guilty for a second, but not because of Jean’s jealousy (not yet, at least), but of the way he’s reacted to the whole situation. has he turned it into something more serious than it actually is?

he slumps down as close as possible to the other boy, eyes still fixed on his face, waiting for Jean to meet his eyes. he can’t say he isn’t curious, though. ]

What were you jealous of?

[ Jean removes his hand now, finally making eye contact again. His brows are furrowed in mild annoyance. ]

Krista, of course. How could you not know ... [ He does know Reiner, smart as he is, could be dense at times when it came to certain things. Surely, though, he must have noticed the way he seemed to react when Krista would talk to him? The fact that Reiner gets flustered and blushes around Krista at all makes Jean bristle when he watches it. It was like he had forgotten about what they had.

It's annoying to think about, and he's even more annoyed having to explain it. He already feels like an immature brat. No need to force him to spell it out like this. ] You've been all over her recently.

[ And he doesn't know if he's reading the situation correctly or not (even if he usually does have a good read on things), but he had hoped that if Reiner's feelings had changed recently, he would have at least told Jean. ]

Krista? [ the name comes as a surprise to him as does Jean’s annoyed expression. he’s been spending some more time around her lately, but what Jean is implying is not the reason. Krista’s a cute girl, sure, but she’s nice to everyone so liking her is probably very common between the rest of the group, right? so is wanting to look at her, trying to steal her attention and blushing when she smiles in his direction—

he scratches the back of his neck, feeling a headache coming. no, those things aren’t normal in the slightest, but he can’t understand where they’re coming from either. does he have a crush on her? Reiner’s sure he loves Jean, so that can’t be it. even now, looking at his face lit up by both the fire and the lights of the night all he feels is the great affection he has for him. so what is it? another act that his mind believes is necessary?

shuffling closer, Reiner wraps one of his arms around Jean’s shoulders and pulls his head closer to his. his inability to understand what the hell is going on with himself makes it hard for him to articulate how bad he feels about hurting Jean. ]

Sorry. Don’t read too much into it, though. It’s not what it seems.

[ He really doesn't know.

How can he expect Jean not to read too much into it? He's a highly perceptive person. That's one of his greatest strengths. There's something so conspicuously wrong with Reiner right now and even a blind person can pick up on it. The Reiner that's with him, the one that he remembers, is a little different from the one who tries to cover for Connie and Sasha when they do stupid shit in camp. He's not the same as the Reiner who likes to play with the guys in the barracks. He's definitely never seen the Reiner he knows take any interest in a woman, but he saw that happen just his afternoon.

He doesn't know what's happening with Reiner right now. Jean's never seen anything like this. Has the stress and trauma made him sick? Is this even something that sickness can cause? ]

[ But the warmth of an arm around brings his heart some comfort, stopping him from prying any further. Jean's always been a nosy person. When he realises something's amiss, he wants to pick it apart until he understands the greater truth, even if he's often going to use really stern words to do so. This is where he would keep pressing on, but being held is just so nice that he actually decides to let it go for now.

They rarely ever get to hold each other like this. He's touch-starved. His face colours a light pink as he settles by Reiner's side, cozying up to him and resting his head on his shoulder. Quietly, he mumbles: ]

How can I not read into it ... [ You can't dangle something worrisome in front of Jean and expect him to simply ignore it. ]

[ Reiner doesn’t reply. not right away, at least. instead, he nuzzles closer into Jean’s hair and takes in his scent.

there is a part of him that wants to bare it all. that wants to tell him how sometimes he doesn’t exactly feel like he has full control over his actions. that some nights he lies in bed awake going through the entire day and feeling like he’s looking at everything through the eyes of a third party. they’re rare moments (that have been more and more common as he spends time inside the walls), so he tries not to give them too much importance, but hearing Jean talk about it and seeing him hurt by his weird way of acting is making him reconsider. maybe it is important.

still, the other part of him stops him from doing that, from showing weakness. when Marcel died all those years before to save him and Reiner promised the other warriors that he would take his place and lead them, the weak Reiner had to die with Marcel. he can’t afford to develop new weaknesses. he can already see Annie calling him crazy and telling him he would jeopardize the mission and that they should just go back home instead (but they can’t, not empty-handed and not when it might mean that they would all get eaten and maybe their families as well); he can see Bertholtd’s unsure face looking at him and though he’d stay silent Reiner would know he’d be thinking the same thing as her; and Jean... Reiner’s sure that even if he tells Jean right now nobody else would know but at the same time he’s probably the one he wants to tell the least. not out of fear of judgment or anything, he simply doesn’t want to add to his list of worries and pain. Reiner’s realized a long time ago that Jean is good. more than Annie, more than him and even more than Bert. hurting and killing people, even those they were taught to hate at a young age, taxes him a lot more than it does the other warriors. Reiner doesn’t know what telling Jean that he might not be keeping it together as well as he’s trying to show would do to him. and he doesn’t want to know.

instead, what Reiner does is pick Jean’s chin up with his free hand, press his lips on his and hope that he can convince him that he’s saying the truth— and that he’s okay . ]

Edited 2020-05-24 17:58 (UTC)

[ He's definitely not going to just let the matter go, but he might put it on hold for now in favour of enjoying the moment. Jean closes his eyes, enjoying the press of Reiner's lips and letting out a pleased hum. His face continues to heat up in some fluster, his heartbeat racing, but at the very least he's significantly less anxious than he used to be when they first started to do this.

They live some fucked up lives and they're going to do some fucked up things so it's almost unfair that he gets to be this happy, but he is, and he's going to seize the moment. Who knows when another chance like this will come? They could get found out tomorrow, or the Marlayan officials might decide they've taken far too long to complete this mission and deem it a failure, sending War Chief Zeke over to end it. There's nothing scarier to him than that.

Jean tilts his head higher, bringing their lips to a deeper press, and gradually starts to crawl past one of Reiner's thighs to settle into his lap. ]

[ it’s Reiner that breaks up from the kiss first, arms moving to wrap themselves around Jean as he proceeds to sit on his lap. his face is also a bit flushed — but it’s probably hard to see while they’re both engulfed by the light of the torch — and there is a small, happy half-smile when he looks back at Jean. ]

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? [ having to keep their closeness a secret makes moments like these rarer than they should be. Reiner’s sure that Bertholtd and Annie know (even though they never really talked about it), but the real problem comes from everyone else finding out. in the past, when they forged their identities, they also decided to try and stay separate to not raise any possible suspicions. Reiner‘s made an exception for Bert due to his lack of initiative and penchant to only following orders, but sometimes, like this moment right now, he wishes he’s made an exception for Jean, too.

since they can’t really plan them, the time between each meeting is chaotic, different every time. when they’re lucky, it’s just a few days, but they also can end up being weeks or even months, when they’re unlucky instead.

Reiner shifts a little on his seat to make himself, and hopefully Jean as well, more comfortable and it’s his turn to place his head on Jean’s shoulder, close to his neck. any feeling of cold coming from the chill of the night he may have had before disappeared as they got closer and closer. ]

I missed you.

[ The night's cold around them, the wind blowing at the shaved part of the back of his head and sending a chill down his back. That only makes him even more thankful that he has a body to hold him tonight, that he gets to hold on to someone so warm. There's really no nicer feeling than sharing such a beautiful night with a person he cherishes, and every time he finds himself entertaining such thoughts he feels stupid for being sappy. ]

I always tell you not to say that sappy stuff ... [ It's embarrassing. Jean is the type to fluster easily, often finding it difficult to express his more vulnerable feelings, and Reiner should know have picked this up about him by now. To express his (mock) displeasure, he reaches out to give Reiner's hair a light tug. That movement quickly turns gentle, as his fingers find themselves running through the short blond hairs on Reiner's head instead.

Tilting his face, he lets out a sigh against the other boy's skin, kissing the side of his head and speaking wistfully. ] But you've got a point there. I almost wish I didn't suggest we act like this.

[ It's the logical thing to do and he knows that, but getting Reiner only in such small servings each time has become more and more difficult to deal with. ]

Ow. [ it didn't really hurt when Jean tugged at his hair, but that didn't stop Reiner from jokingly fake a little bit of pain. he lets out a short chuckle after, before he notices that the tug has turned into something softer, nicer, and more intimate; and he can't help but lean into the touch. if they'd spend the entire night like that, keeping each other's warm, kissing and touching, Reiner is sure he wouldn't mind at all.

Jean's other words pull him back into reality, though, and he leans his head back a little to look at the other boy in his eyes. it's not like he doesn't understand what Jean means with them. as much as he believes this, them is making things easier, keeping him saner, he also knows that it's making things harder at the same time. there is more at stake now. the mere thought of Jean being captured or worse, is-- ]

It'll be easier. Once we're home. We'll be heroes then. [ "but at what cost?" pops into his head for a second but he adds that to the long list of thoughts he's pushed away from the first day they walked inside those walls. ]

Edited 2020-06-26 11:13 (UTC)

[ He was enjoying the warmth before, the soft tickle of Reiner's hair against his face, but those optimistic words pull him out of his relaxed mood, making him solemn. ]

I don't know about that ... [ Cautious by nature, Jean doesn't buy into the ideals fed to them back home very easily. He always had a feeling the people on Paradis island were never devils, and now that he's here, his hunch is confirmed. He's also seen how the warriors of the past would get treated. They'd come back from battle and if triumphant, celebrate and have a drink and be commended by their commanding officers. It sounds like an honour, but once the festivities had died down, it was back into the fray for them. Their lives were short and rife with strife. He can't see them having peaceful ones, even if they were to become heroes.

He could choose to hold his tongue for once, or he could kill the mood entirely with his often pragmatic and pessimistic words. Being Jean, he chooses to do the latter. ] They're probably going to keep working us to the bone, until we die in a few years.

[ They aren't in Marley, so he feels safe enough to express his dissenting views about their home country. ]

[ Jean isn't wrong and Reiner knows this, but listening to those words makes his stomach churn in a way that makes him hate himself. it's been years since they arrived at the island, years since he's met and befriended so many of the so-called devils. and yet all that propaganda he's been fed from Marley and his mother since he could first understand words still cause him to flinch at any form of dissent towards his hometown.

he doesn't say anything to Jean, though. even if what he's saying hurts to believe. ]

If we complete the mission they will treat us right. That's all we have to do. [ his dreams hasn't changed. it can't. it's all he has. a good life for his family, his mother. a good life for him and Jean now, too. he can't think that what he's doing will end up not changing anything. even if he has to lie to himself and to his most important person to make sure to achieve that dream, then he will. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

GAY WARRIOR JEAN AU for bruch

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

SUDDENLY I AM HERE

arrives a month late with starbucks

no subject

no subject