for pachintoki ... general shamelessness help

[mayoniac]

[ Wherever you were before, you're now in a bed that isn't quite yours. It's clean and soft, as if there's someone out there who wants you to be comfortable, and big enough for two. Should you wake up and rub the slumber off your eyes, you'll find yourself in an unfamiliar room, and --

Someone sleeping beside you.

Hijikata shifts, not quite fully awake yet. Usually he'll have an alarm to help get him up on time. Not today, though, so he's oversleeping a little bit. Back turned to Gintoki, he almost looks peaceful, until --

He sits up, posture stiff, and says in the most serious, convicted voice. ]

I understand. As you wish, Queen Mayoria. [ wtf is he dreaming about ..........

Then he goes back to sleep, not yet aware of the predicament they're in.

also i dont have appropriate icons deal with it ]

Comments

[pachintoki]

[It was a comfy bed. Big and plush, western style, and Gintoki definitely didn't want to leave it anytime soon.

Too bad a familiar voice prods him out of his blissful dozing haze. He's doing a good job of denying it and chalking things up to a stupid dream until he feels a foot against his leg. ]

Mmm. . . nnhmmm?

[And a glance over to see a head of dark hair confirms it. Aah, Hijikata-kun was there. He'll yawn, burying his face a little more into his pillow, closing his eyes.

There's a little more dozing after that until. . .Eh? Head popping off the pillow, he'll look over again.

Why the. . . why the hell was he in bed with Hijikata? What happened? He takes a long moment, blinking hard to wake himself up and also hoping the sight before his eyes will disappear like the parfaits in his dreams.

. . .did anything happen? What if something happened! He'll sit up, kneeling on the bed to look over more closely. It was definitely that mayora, and Gintoki swallows. Was this really his last moment as a JUMP protagonist? There was only one thing left to do.

Hide the evidence and act like nothing happened. He'll pick up his pillow, slowly leaning over Hijikata and lowering the pillow to the other's pathetic sleeping face.

Sacrifices, sacrifices had to be made.]

[mayoniac]

[ You would think the Vice-Captain of the Shinsengumi would be more sensitive to impending danger. Hijikata doesn't stir, though, even with the shadow slowly looming over him. No, he looks more peaceful than you'll ever see him when awake, almost like he's fallen into a world where the clouds rain mayo and his life isn't in constant peril because of certain sadistic brats. A perfect world indeed.

Right before the cloth can touch his nose, Hijikata jolts into a sitting position once more, slamming into Gintoki in the process. ] KETCHUPSUKI! YOUR TIME TO DIE IS --

[ This isn't the Ketchupsuki though. ] Hah?

[ No, it's some sweet-toothed bastard with a pillow in his bed. The implications of the 'in his bed' part will come later. ]

Oi. That pillow you're holding -- the hell were you trying to do with it...? [ 'cuz you know

this sure looks like attempted murder. ]

[pachintoki]

[There's a muffled scream over here that definitely didn't come from Gintoki. He. . . he was just startled okay, Hijikata woke up like he was possessed by some kind of demon.

In fact. . . he probably was possessed by a demon! That would explain all of this! Gintoki slowly looks from Hijikata to his pillow, then back to Hijikata, mouth still half-open in surprise.

]

I'm-

I'll become an Exorcist!

[. . . shouted while lunging at Hijikata and slamming the pillow into his face. He'll sit on the other's stomach and shove the pillow harder and harder. ]

Out! [pillow smush] Out! [smush, smush]

[mayoniac]

[ There are muffled, spluttering sounds of agony as Gintoki does his 'exorcism'. Then, Hijikata grabs the pillow he's lying on and roundhouse smashes it into Gintoki's face. It may knock him right off the bed. ]

CUT IT OUT ALREADY! [ After he gets the annoyance to stop sitting on him, he shifts to the side of the bed, panting from how worked up this is making him. ] Any way you look at it, it looks like you were trying to smother me! This is called 'premeditated murder', you bastard. I'll arrest you!

[pachintoki]

[It doesn't quite send him off the bed, but it's enough to knock him off balance; Gintoki will wobble precariously on the edge of the bed before falling back gracefully onto the floor, head-first, then curling up with muttered sounds of pain as he clutches his head. His feet are still over Hijikata's legs on the bed.]

Oi. . . so this is how a cop repays someone who was trying to save him, huh. . .next time, next time, I'll let you go to the underworld. [He sounds so put-upon.]

I can't imagine your suffering there. . . there's no mayonnaise there, you know. . .

[Damniiiiit that hurt.]

Arrest me already, arrest me. The station has aspirin, right. . .

[mayoniac]

[ Hijikata gives a kick so that Gintoki's legs roll off the edge, and he's on the floor properly. He's not the kind of guy to half-ass things. ]

We both know you know jack shit about exorcism! Besides, I wasn't possessed, I was --

[ . . .. . ..

And he stops mid-sentence, because it's probably better that he doesn't tell his arch-enemy about his dream about being knighted by Queen Mayoria and defeating the Ketchupsuki for her with his Mayoringan.

Instead, he grabs one of Gintoki's hands and cuffs him. ]

Come with me to the station. [ except ... there's no station ...... because this isn't Edo ......... ]

[pachintoki]

[Your dreams are so friggin' stupid, Hijikata.]

You have no idea what I know, oi! I read Jump Square sometimes!

[click; Gintoki will clench his teeth a little.]

Hold, hold on a sec, hold on, something like this isn't really necessary, is it?

[He'll move his feet, setting them on the ground then tugging back on the cuff because he is so not gonna spend the day cuffed to Hijikata again.]

Oi, seriously, let me go. I wanna go home, you can buy me aspirin some other day.

[mayoniac]

[ Yeah, nope, Hijikata gets off the bed, walking to the doorway. ]

You're under the arrest for one count of assault and one count of breaking-and-entering. Do you have anything to say about that?

[ THEN AGAIN, ISN'T HIJIKATA TRESPASSING AS WELL ]

[pachintoki]

[He is NOT getting off the floor, pulling back on the handcuff some more like a stubborn kid getting dragged around by his mom.]

Hah? Yeah I got something else to say about that! You forgot to charge yourself with kidnapping, Mr. full of himself cop! How the hell did you get in here if I was breaking and entering, hah?! What the hell did you to do Gin-san this morning, HAH?

[mayoniac]

[ Come to think of it, how did he get here? He was too preoccupied with the, you know, attempt at his life that his surroundings have only just registered. ] Don't say it like I had anything to do with this, asshole ... Who would want to kidnap you? What value do you have?

[ In response to Gintoki's tugging, he tugs back at the cuff in an attempt to pull him into a stand. It's then that the TV flickers on, and the true premise of this fucking thread is finally made known.

Congratulations, newlyweds. Welcome to your new home. There is no escape, so enjoy your peaceful new life.

And that's all it says. ]

[pachintoki]

What value do I have, huh? Spoken like a true side-character, no wonder you'll only be support forever, oi--

[And then he'll slowly look over to the TV. Was this P*ltegeist? Why did it turn on by itself? That's creepy, really creepy. . .

It takes him all but a second to read the message, and then he'll slowly look back to Hijikata, meeting the other's gaze, then look slowly back to the TV. . .no, this was worse than P*ltergeist. . .

Cue frantic tugging on the handcuff!]

OI! WHAT DID YOU DO! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? A MAN SHOULD ONLY GET MARRIED ONCE IN HIS LIFE, AND I WAS WAITING FOR KETSUNO ANNA ONLY!

[He's getting up now, so Hijikata's going to have to do something or Gintoki's gonna pull him around like a dog going after a cat.]

[mayoniac]

[ FYI he was supposed to be the main character. He should kill this guy one day for usurping his position.

Ah, but, the TV is pretty creepy too. They both stare at it at around the same time, reading the words on the screen and exchanging glances between each other. Bit by bit, the implications seep in. ]

So now you can get off the floor?? [ He doesn't like the idea of this any more than Gintoki does, but he doesn't quite get his chance to react to it because he now has a sad Ketsuno Anna-fanboy blaming him for what he had no hand in. ]

Do you really think I could accomplish this? Do you really think that if I had to choose someone to marry, it would be you??!

[ No, he's kind of doomed on the marriage front, but we don't talk about that. ]

And there's no way she'd marry such an idiot!

[pachintoki]

WE GET ALONG! SHE AND I GET ALONG GREAT! WE'RE CUT FROM THE SAME KIMONO, AND IT'S A WEDDING KIMONO!

[Don't focus on the past, Hijikata-kun. The future is now.

And so Gintoki will be running to the nearest door he can find; as soon as he slides the glass door open he'll be looking at the backyard with it's clean, well-manicured lawn, even the swimming pool. Hijikata is going to get dragged outside unless he stops them somehow.]

Just what kind of honeymoon is this, hahh? This isn't even Japan anymore! What kind of salary do you get that you can afford to travel, government bastard; you got 10 seconds to explain yourself.

[mayoniac]

[ Aaaand now he's being dragged. He should really learn that cuffing this guy will only make him a bigger annoyance.

He... kind of can afford to travel because of his Vice-Commander salary, but that's besides the point. ]

I already said that I had nothing to do with this! I'd sooner die than marry a bastard like you. I'm just as confused as you are!

If you only opened your damned eyes, you'd see that we've both been kidnapped.

[pachintoki]

[You deserve it. Maybe next time Gin-san asks Hijikata to let him go, the guy will listen despite all the mayonnaise in his brain. ]

And I'm just supposed to believe that this isn't your fault, aah?!

[He's breathing hard, and he looks like, even though Hijikata's saying it's not his fault, that he still wants to reach out and throttle the guy anyway and keep bickering. Still, he's taking deep breaths through clenched teeth.]

Huh! That's definitely not it. If nobody'd want to kidnap me, they'd want to kidnap you even less.